in_italia: (Whatever!)
GUIDE TO (NORTHERN) ITALIANS.
--ROMANO.

((The outside of the folder has "READ THIS OR I WILL KILL YOU" scribbled hurriedly over the front. It's stuffed with papers, all of which are written in elegant, well thought-out... Italian. Yes, you read that right. While this would render it useless, there are two ways to get around this - learn Italian, or find someone who does.))

PREFACE
Read this shit. This is how to take care of Venneciano - everything. What he likes, what he hates, what makes him snap, what makes him sad and happy, everything. Now you have no excuse for him to not be grinning like the idiot he is every fucking day.

FOOD
The obvious is pasta. He has a sixth sense for it, you probably noticed. The word "pasta" will wake him up even from siestas, but you'd better have pasta waiting for him if you do that. Risotto's fine, but only as a last resort.
Don't let him use a blender. I don't care what amazing idea you get, but he's an idiot around technology, even old shit. Unless you know a great way of cleaning your ceiling and getting new hands for him, don't do it.
If you serve him anything with eyes, he will cry. And if you want to test that to be cute, go ahead. He can behead fish, he can skin and gut animals, but he can't eat anything that still looks like an animal. Keep that in mind.
You know what maggot cheese is, right? He loves it. God knows why, but he does. You should probably eat it if he offers, just to make him happy.
Don't let him play the "how many olives can I eat at once" game. He says he won't, but he'll choke every time. And if I hear about that, I will kill you. Painfully.
Also, don't you dare give him more than two containers of gelato/ice-cream/whatever the fuck. He'll say he can eat more, but he'll get a stomachache from hell if you let him. And he'll find it later anyway, so just don't keep any more than that in the house at once.
((A sidenote scribbled into a corner)) Oh, and don't you dare feed him wurst. Potatos are fine, I guess, but only if there's a damn good reason for them in a much better dish. Actually, your food's just horrible, you can go ahead and have him cook everything.

SLEEP
Don't interrupt his siesta unless there's a fire raging through the city. I don't remember if the patterns changed, but I think it was 3 PM to 4 PM. Maybe longer. Whatever, if he's sleeping, let him sleep. If you don't, he'll just be stupid as hell once he's awake.
He never sleeps in his clothes. Ever. If he's asleep in his clothes, something is very wrong. Still don't wake him up, though, and DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, UNDRESS HIM. Because I will find you and murder you.
He sleeps at least 12 hours a day, not including naps. If he sleeps less than this, he's probably sick or worried about something. Don't jump to conclusions, just ask him. He's pretty open, usually.
If the two of you end up sharing a bed (highly likely, it looks like), accept his cuddling without question. It's a comfort mechanism, he starts crying after a while if you shove him away. Trust me on that one, he cries really fucking loudly.

COMFORT/AFFECTION
Italians need a lot of affection. I'm not gonna lie, Venneciano's an attention-whore. And this is what you'll need the most help with, I bet. Here's some instructions for common affection:
-Greeting: A kiss on the right cheek, then the left. It's just a greeting, he won't think anything of it. But he'll still like it.
-Hug: Wrap your arms (both of them) gently around him, pull him in and hold him close. He seems to like hugs around his waist, but god knows he's strange. It'll take some practice to stop giving stiff half-hugs, won't it?
-Holding Hands: He loves it. I'm not sure if he realizes it's a couple-ish thing, but that could be said for a lot of this shit. Any time there's an excuse for it is probably a good time for it.
-Kiss: He's shorter than you, so he can't teach if he wants a kiss. You'll have to lean down. It won't be that hard to figure out, but here's a hint: if he tugs down on your shoulder, that is probably what he's trying to do. Kiss him on the cheeks or forehead, his lips are off-limits until he says so.
-Cuddling: Hell, he can explain that better, so ask him. I know you don't understand the word. He likes to cuddle whenever he possibly can, so be ready for that. He'll probably start crying if you reject it, no matter what you're doing.
-Grope: Hahaha, no. Not only will it not affect him and probably make him start laughing his ass off, I will murder you later.

SEX
((In big, bold, red letters that take up a whole page, the only words in the common language)) FUCK HIM AND YOU DIE.

OTHER SHIT
You might've noticed he only cares about you because you're Holy Rome. Whatever, go along with it. You probably only love him because of Little Italy, anyway. Don't you dare make him wear a dress, though, I don't care how okay with it he is.
Don't force him to do anything he doesn't want to. I don't mean let him do whatever he wants, but it's possible to convince him to want to do useful things. Not that I've figured it out yet... but sometimes he decides to, and I think I did something.
((Scribbled on the side)) Got it! He's easier to convince of things in the morning, or while cuddling. He also likes it when there's a pasta involved, but he does sloppy, bare-minimum work if you just give that as the prize.
He's easier to piss off than he used to be. If he gets angry, just agree with him. No matter what it is. It's not worth continuing.
Stop calling him Italia, or whatever you use for him. His name is Feli, Feliciano if you absolutely must. That's what he expects from you now. He also likes cute nicknames. Use whatever the German versions of "caro"/"amore mio"/"tesoro"/etc. are, he'll love it.
Don't lecture him. Teaching him shit is my job. And getting lectured doesn't win you any points with Italians, no matter how sexy you think it is for Germans.

BREAKING UP
If you get sick of him, just tell me and I'll handle it. Trust me.

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Lovino Vargas | Italia Romano | South Italy

February 2012

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